A Tale of Two Families
My childhood was filled with every materialistic blessing you can think of. I don’t remember ever being without a roof over my head, food in my belly or clothes on my back. My parents did the best they could with my brother and me. Even though we never missed a meal and Christmas was always filled with a multitude of presents, as an adult I now realize a critical aspect of my upbringing was missing and it had a detrimental affect on my behavior and my view of relationships as a child and eventually as an adult.
As early as four years old, I remember two very different realities: the one everyone else saw outside our home and the one I experienced behind closed doors. I grew up in a controlling household where the overarching atmosphere was one of fear. I was terrified of my mother. Her anger would result in lashing out verbally and many times physically. My earliest memories are ones of her “discipline” and punishment. While there were times of happiness and laughter, the possibility of a sudden flash of her temper was always looming in the background somewhere.
Living in this type of atmosphere was difficult. My priority was to try to keep peace in the house and as a young girl I remember becoming very skilled at it. If I could behave well enough, maybe she wouldn’t hurt me. Fear and survival were the building blocks for navigating my young life. The result? Emotional numbness: a self-preservation tactic I adopted in order to survive. If I didn’t feel it, then it couldn’t hurt me.
Spiraling Out Of Control
My inability to connect with people severely hampered my life in every way as I grew up. I didn’t trust anyone. I wanted to, but I didn’t dare. At some point, I grew tired of my “victim mentality”. I convinced myself and vowed that no one would ever hurt me again and I became a predator of sorts. I built walls around my heart like an impenetrable fortress, confident no one would ever be able to break through them. I became selfish, manipulative, controlling and merciless. Exposed to pornography at 12 years old, my ideals of strong, beautiful women were shaped and solidified within the pages of those magazines. My emotional numbness fueled my ability to use people, especially men because I believed they all had ulterior motives (sex) anyway and I was determined that no man would ever take advantage of me.
As I’m sure you can imagine, my life spiraled completely out of control. I ended up in San Diego as a topless dancer, and ultimately an alcoholic, meth addicted brothel prostitute in Las Vegas. Sex, money, alcohol and drugs were my life…until something unexpected happened.
Hitting Rock Bottom
I discovered I was pregnant. Acting like it was routine, the brothel owner’s wife immediately made an appointment to take me to an abortion clinic to get rid of “this little problem” as she referred to it. Even though I was constantly drunk or high, I knew abortion was wrong. I didn’t think I had a choice though. What kind of mother would I be anyway? I don’t even know who the father is. The night before the abortion, strangely I began to think about God. I remembered as a child going to church every Sunday and how nice the people were there. I recalled learning about Jesus and how he died on the cross for me. As a young girl, I just loved him. I thought about the Ten Commandments and how I had prided myself on not having broken all of them up to this point in my life. I had never murdered anyone, but after tomorrow, I knew that would change.
I was completely alone, laying on my bed in that brothel. I asked myself, “How did I end up here? This is not what I dreamed my life was going to be like.” Utterly dejected and hopeless, for the first time in a long time, tears began to flow. I cried out to that same Jesus I remembered as a little girl…and asked if He could help me. Much to my amazement, without hesitation or judgment, He let me know that He was right there with me and everything was going to be okay. Did I hear an audible voice? No. Somehow though, that cold stone heart of mine began to melt and I felt like love and hope had penetrated that fortress I built so many years ago.
My Journey of Redemption
Little did I know, those simple words I prayed that night set into motion a miraculous series of events. I had taken the first step towards getting my life back and haven’t look back since. It hasn’t been all unicorn glitter and rainbows, but I know Jesus still has ahold of my hand and He will never let me go.
If you’d like to know the rest of my amazing journey, it is chronicled in my autobiography available on this website. Just click on the “Books” tab. My greatest joy is sharing what God has done for me because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I would be if He hadn’t intervened in my life.
There’s nothing special about me. What God did for me, He will do for you too. Just ask Him. He knows everything about you and wants to help you just like He helps me. “But Judy, I don’t know how to talk to God.” No problem….here you go…
“God, I need you. I need help. I know I have done a lot of really bad things. Please forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. I want you to save me and heal me just like you did for Judy. Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God, you died on the cross for me and you rose again on the third day. I want you to be my Savior Jesus, I want you to be my Lord. I want your plan for my life. I want to live for You, Jesus.”
If you prayed that prayer, click on the “Connect with Judy” tab. I want to celebrate with you and I will commit to praying for you too. God bless you on your new journey.