Can You Relate?
We were created to be in relationships. If we have learned anything from 2020’s quarantine life is that we NEED each other! We are wired for fellowship and interaction. There are so many different types of relationships we navigate every single day: from intimate, business, casual, even once-in-a-lifetime relationships, just to name a few. If we have not been taught to value and appreciate the benefit of all types of relationships, we are sure to miss out on the best that life has to offer us.
From the time we are born, we cultivate relationships. Parents are very intentional about bonding with their children and as those babies grow, they begin to cultivate other relationships on their own. However, when there is dysfunction or a lack of value placed on relationships, it can severely handicap an individual as they journey through life.
The Perfect Facade
Last month, I shared my journey from prostitute to pastor and how God has literally turned my messed up life into a miracle. One of the most difficult transitions for me in this journey was the courage to start trusting people again. It was so much easier for me to just dismiss everyone and keep my guard up. I had convinced myself that this was the foolproof way to guarantee people would never be able to hurt me again. I allowed the light in my heart to dim and my emotions to become numb so I wouldn’t have to feel. I mastered the art of being fake and I was perfectly fine with it.
There is only one problem with that mindset….we weren’t created to be alone. God designed us to be in community and in relationship with one another. So the question is, if we’re supposed to be in relationship with people, how can we do that and not get hurt? We can’t. Bottom line, people are imperfect and they are going to hurt us; most of the wounds will be unintentional, but the enemy will make sure to insert nefarious characters in our future that will try to hurt us intentionally. The good news is, God hasn’t left us without the tools to defend ourselves and keep our hearts free from offense, bitterness, self-pity and other toxic emotions that sabotage our spiritual and emotional growth.
The Power of Forgiveness
Last month, I travelled back to my hometown in Iowa for my high school reunion and to visit with family I rarely get to see. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Iowa represented a time in my life that was filled with every kind of pain you can imagine. My dysfunctional childhood included physical, psychological, emotional and sexual abuse that has taken me years to heal from and muster the courage to talk about openly. Anger, shame and bitterness had taken up residence in my soul for years as a counterfeit to authentic healing.
It wasn’t until I realized I needed to forgive everyone who had hurt me and even forgive myself for the reckless and irresponsible decisions I made that caused so much devastation in my life. “But Judy, how can you forgive people who aren’t even sorry for what they did?” It’s not easy, but when you realize what forgiveness is truly for, it makes the journey more bearable.
Forgiveness is not for the people who hurt us. Forgiveness is for US. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse or ignore our abuse; it disarms it. It strips away the power of pain so we can truly heal and be free to move on with our lives. I want to be careful here…please hear my heart…in NO way am I saying forgiveness is a “once and done” act and all you have to do is simply decide you will forgive and instantly everything is better. The decision to forgive is the first of many steps in the process. Depending on the nature of what we have gone through and where we are in our healing process, it can be different for each individual. One thing is for sure though, forgiveness will be something we deal with regularly for the rest of our lives here on earth.
My Relationships Today
Armed with the tools of forgiveness, self awareness and a healthy self-confidence, my relationships are much more enjoyable now. Walls of self-preservation have been taken down and the stronghold of fear has been broken. I still struggle with being overly sensitive in certain areas, but everyday I am making progress. As Joyce Meyer says, “I’m not where I should be, but thank God, I’m not where I used to be. I’m okay and I’m on my way.”
During our lives, we will experience all types of relationships and each one has something to teach us. One of the things I am most grateful for is a healed heart that isn’t scared to put myself out on a limb in relationship anymore. I have stopped having unrealistic expectations of people and just appreciate them and love them right where they are. I have established healthy boundaries in my life now, something I highly recommend for everyone.
In the next few months, keep an eye out for my new book “Labels, Freeing Ourselves From Faulty Perceptions”. It’s about relationships and the labels people try to make us wear and the ones we unknowingly put on ourselves. It’s a powerful weapon to add to your arsenal on your journey towards wholeness.
The first intentional step of my personal healing journey was repairing my relationship with Jesus. Without The Lord’s help, I wouldn’t be alive today. He’s the one Who never gave up on me and helps me through every day. He healed me spiritually, emotionally and physically. He restored my soul and my relationship with Him is the most intimate one I have.
If you struggle with unforgiveness in relationships and you are searching for a more intimate relationship with Jesus, I recommend getting a copy of my book, “Good Morning Abba”. It’s a 52-week devotional designed to usher you into His presence and develop a deeper walk with Him. It’s a record of my personal, intimate conversations with God and how He’s walked me through from a place of pain to power. It’s available in paperback (July 30, 2021), e-book and Audible at Good Morning Abba.