Finding Joy In The Most Unlikely Places
“C’mon! It’ll be fun!” If I heard it once, I heard it a hundred times. If it wasn’t girlfriends, it was my daughter Tori asking me to watch Hallmark Christmas movies. Somehow I just couldn’t get past the fact that I would never get those 2 hours back and there was definitely something more “worthy” of how I spent my time.
I mean let’s be honest. Hallmark Christmas movies? Really? My professional opinion could be summed up in 30 seconds or less….Predictable, dorky, unrealistic and boring. For years, my answer was always a resounding “No!” and because I’m mom, we usually ended up watching sports or news which I considered to be a MUCH better investment of my time!
Unexpected Surprises
I was spending the weekend with a friend and found myself unexpectedly caught off guard when she suggested of all things that we watch Hallmark Christmas movies one evening. Oh no! I was trapped! Without the leverage of the “mom” title to dictate what was on the television and no justifiable excuse to say “No, thank you”, I reluctantly conceded. I immediately initiated my escape plan though; I would graciously tolerate the “dorky-ness” for an acceptable period of time and then politely excuse myself during a commercial break. However, my plan had one fatal flaw…no provision if I found myself actually enjoying the movie, but the likelihood of that happening was next to impossible, so I wasn’t worried.
By the title of this blog post, you have probably already figured out how what happened. Not only was I surprisingly entertained, it was more than that. The storyline was wholesome and sweet. It was inspiring and by the end of the movie, my emotions were triggered in a very strange way. What was this? It was such a foreign feeling to me that it took several days (and several more movies) to figure out that it was some type of repressed emotional response to seeing innocent romance, people falling in love, betrayal, reconciliation that ultimately culminates to a happily ever after scenario.
Emotional Triggers
Inappropriate encounters with men as a child and the subsequent lifestyle I chose of addiction and prostitution lent itself to pessimism and sarcasm when it came to things like “romance” and “love stories”. I had no time for that nonsense because it was all fake. Intimacy was a fairytale and only possible in the movie theater or on television. I despised “chick flicks” as stupid and a total waste of time that painted women as weak and needy. This was my mindset; I’m not kidding. I was extremely negative and my guard was up all the way when it came to this subject. It was just easier that way. I didn’t have to acknowledge or deal with the root of why I felt like I did.
A Difficult Road of Recovery
Allowing myself to become vulnerable in my prayer closet was the first brave step I took to healing from this wound in my soul. God was the ONLY person I trusted completely with my heart. I knew He knew everything that had happened to me and He understood why I was the way I was. It’s one of the most cherished facets of God that I cling to…His comfort. When the tears came, they came from deep…He caught every one of them and walked me through to a place of courage where I dared to allow myself to love again.
The Journey Continues
I would be lying if I said I am totally free from the trauma of the emotional wounds I sustained as a child and the toxic choices I made as an adult. While those things no longer haunt me like they used to, I can use them to encourage other people who are right now where I used to be. The sting of the initial pain may be gone, but the scars remain. The thing about scars though is they make the area stronger and more challenging to penetrate. It’s more difficult to be wounded in that same area again because it’s “protected” with scar tissue. There are pros and cons to this. The trick is to know what/who is safe to let in and what/who to protect yourself from. The Lord will use everything in your life to be a classroom if you allow it…even Hallmark Christmas movies.
I encourage you to celebrate your scars and make them serve you. Don’t be ashamed of them…they are part of your journey. Remember….sharing your story may be just thing that someone who is hurting needs to hear so they don’t give up.